Employee Relations Specialist Pillows

'Oh, you'll love working here. Nobody treats you any differently just becuase of your age, race, or gender.'

"No, I don't call it 'sexual harassment'. I call it casual friday!"

'We like the teamwork idea, but Billy won't let us play with his ball.'

'The grievance committee never comes to me with anything other than complaints.'

'That's not really the business incentive I was looking for.'

'I was just giving her a few examples and she passed out.'

'Haven't you cracked that yet ?'

"Corporate thinks it's time we updated our motivational strategies."

Dog uses suggestions box to demand feeding

'On this final point we cannot negotiate...no more smooth jazz in the break room.'

"What's all this about you claiming I'm sexist, sweetheart? You were always such a sensible bird."

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

"Admit it Johnson, isn't a pat on the back more intrinsically rewarding than a salary rise?"

'This government commitment to extend flexible working has got me tied up in knots.'

'A 'pink slip'? Oh, Mr. Anderson, I never knew you thought of me that way.'

"We sent you to infiltrate the employees as undercover boss. We didn't think you'd convert to unionism!"

"What makes you think this company has grown too large and impersonal, 78273?"

'The union card does it every time.'

'This new 'flexible working' scheme is a great idea. . . It helps us to identify staff who have a more balanced life. People who have interests outside of the office.'

"Accounts say that we can't afford to buy staff loyalty but we might be able to rent it."

Suggestion box paper shredder.

"Oh, no! Your boss enclosed your severance check in his get-well card!"

"We don't fire people. We make it unbearable so they'll quit."

"Our new policies offer COMPLETE protection to whistleblowers, and I'll DESTROY anybody who says differently."

"Nothing but 'I told you sos'."

Suggestions, complaints, crybaby whining

Employment Counselor. That's terrible! What kind of company fires you for taking a day off? A calendar company.

Mumble And Cry

"Sorry, but working remote is not a constitutional right."

"The law is an ass...employment law, however, is an asset."

"The purpose of the exit interview is to underline that you are fired."

"You worry about staff quality when the office plant gets 'Employee of the Month'!"

The Salary Review Opens Door Policy...

'While they always come back as unfounded, maybe you could prevent these allegations of sexual harassment by not telling people you like the cut of their jib.'

Employees in the in and out tray