Emotional Investor Pillows

"Dad, let me explain it in a way that you can understand: Followers and Likes on my social media are like stocks on my emotional Wall Street."

'I used to equate love with money. Now I equate it with fast-moving growth stocks.'

'We have an excellent investment counselor and if things don't work out, an equally good investment therapist.'

'My husband is very sensitive. He cries when he sees sunsets, old romantic films, and falling values of his 401(k)'

"I need to borrow just enough to feel good about myself."

"We haven't lowered our fees, but we do offer discounted grief counseling."

"Safe FDIC insured, guaranteed 2.65% APY...check out our new Emotional Support CDs."

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

"It's nice to feel wanted though, isn't it?"

The Book Lover

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

Personal Relationship Counsellor

"You can't let the tick birds continue to define you."

Wishful Thinking Magazine - circulation chart.

"Enough already! You’re depressing me!"

"If your emotional intelligence is so high, why do you always forget our anniversary?"

'Dad, are we rich?'

"Die alone"

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

'Your stock portfolio didn't lose one third of its value, Mr. Reynolds, it retained two thirds.'

"And a signature here verifying your witness to my empathy."

'It was love at first sight!'

"You know what I bet it is? I bet we're breaking up but we just don't realize it yet."

Women rush to man with 'I heart emotions' t-shirt.

"I say this as a friend, Tom...we always know when you're bluffing!"

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

Introducing Guiltpressure.

'How much are you currently worth? Good question, let's see. You mean, aside from the sentimental value?'

"But that's the beauty of the game. At this very moment, your absurd vicarious defeat is being perfectly counterbalanced by some opposing fan's absurd vicarious triumph."

'What's that supposed to mean!?!'

'Thanks for the coaching, the tears did the trick: My parents bought me a mobile phone!'

"Put me back on hold! That song - 'We're in the money' - put me in a really good mood!"

'How many are just staying together for the kids? OK, that's good, very good.'