Emotional Investor Pillows

"Dad, let me explain it in a way that you can understand: Followers and Likes on my social media are like stocks on my emotional Wall Street."

'I used to equate love with money. Now I equate it with fast-moving growth stocks.'

'We have an excellent investment counselor and if things don't work out, an equally good investment therapist.'

'My husband is very sensitive. He cries when he sees sunsets, old romantic films, and falling values of his 401(k)'

"I need to borrow just enough to feel good about myself."

"We haven't lowered our fees, but we do offer discounted grief counseling."

"Safe FDIC insured, guaranteed 2.65% APY...check out our new Emotional Support CDs."

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

The Book Lover

"It's nice to feel wanted though, isn't it?"

Two Rages Passing in the Night

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

Personal Relationship Counsellor

'How wonderful - the both of us in futures.'

"You can't let the tick birds continue to define you."

Wishful Thinking Magazine - circulation chart.

"Enough already! You’re depressing me!"

"If your emotional intelligence is so high, why do you always forget our anniversary?"

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

'Dad, are we rich?'

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

"Die alone"

"Omigod! It's the breakfast I made him for his birthday!"

'It was love at first sight!'

"You know what I bet it is? I bet we're breaking up but we just don't realize it yet."

"And a signature here verifying your witness to my empathy."

"I say this as a friend, Tom...we always know when you're bluffing!"

Introducing Guiltpressure.

'Your stock portfolio didn't lose one third of its value, Mr. Reynolds, it retained two thirds.'

Women rush to man with 'I heart emotions' t-shirt.

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

You're right. It's not fear I smell but angst with a hint of regret.

'How much are you currently worth? Good question, let's see. You mean, aside from the sentimental value?'