Emergency Drill Buff Pillows

'We had quite a fire drill at school today -- there was looting.'

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

A fire extinguisher box with band aids in them has a sign above with reads, "In case you cut yourself breaking glass break this glass."

"911, what is your major malfunction?"

'Hanging around the house, Fred, just in case.'

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

Wally flunks the test: The Emergency Broadcast System.

'Relax. This is only a test.'

"The following is a test of the fire-alarm system. It is only a test. Please ignore the intense heat and combustion."

Tsunami Evac Route

"The blaze has taken hold on the eight floor Chief. The C.E.O., V.P. and C.O.O. are trapped in the boardroom!!"

"Sorry, it will have to be fire, police or ambulance. Superman is busy right now."

'I keep them around for unruly octopi, or giant radioactive spiders... you know, just in case.'

"My God, now what?"

Fire Backwards.

'Kitchen! Chicken Bone! Hurry!!' - Rent-A-Surgeon

'Oh - It's you.'

'I doubt whether the Green Goddesses can cope with this.'

"I've got a pulse!"

Fire Assembly Point

'I'm a doctor... This man needs someone who can grant me immunity from liability, and FAST!'

'Quick! Page the flight deck, bring me oxygen, gloves, a mask and someone junior!'

'Lightening hit the band shell while the orchestra was playing...'

"We ran into a marathon."

'Hold it, you can cancel that STAT call.'

Really big bang

In case of fire call yourself.

"Whoa...not so fast! First of all please tell me your address, your health insurance number, and spell your name for me, Mr. HelpI'mBleedingToDeath."

'Just this once sir, we need the overtime.'

"Hello, A and E, which department do you need, stabbing, shooting or general GBH?"

Worker: 'QUICK, does anybody here know First Aid?!' / Worker: 'Yeah, him.'

Man with mobile phone says: 'I can't call for help, I'm filming this for the TV news.'

'Which is it, Bill? You had a terrible accident and survived without a scratch. Or, you had a terrible accident and lost a lot of blood?'

'I said he needs an ambulance! Not ambiance!'