Elite Laugh-seeker Gifts

'l leave worrying about taxes to those who pay them.'

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

Bad fake tan day.

"That'll be five bucks."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

"Well, sure. We could hire some Temps, but they only live about ten days."

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

"Baxter, I've decided to take you off crisis management."

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

'I don't understand. Why do you want to have your arms extended?'

Scene from an early draft of Moby Dick

"200,000 other people have also highlighted this passage of the E-book, you common idiot."

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"

A bath at Boulogne. - Appalling position of Mr and Mrs Tomkins, who had a jib horse when the tide was coming in.

New Jersey Cops Gone Wild

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm the one with his head in a pelvic vice!'

'Sorry, but my liability insurance no longer allows me to grant that wish.'

"Have you tried the David and Goliath cocktail?"

"I'm having a dry October. . . October 2045."

"Right. Money isn't everything - what's the other thing again?"

'It's an obvious case of identity theft.'

'Listen, be fair, George - it's your TURN to take Mrs McCarthy for her lesson.'

'The company has got a long term strategy. Let our successors in a few years clean up the mess we bring about today.'

"I may seem like a dour sort, Mr. Penfeather, but, I assure you, I can smile with the best of them when the occasion demands."

"How much should I spend on a bottle of wine?"

'We take concerns about billions of pounds of NHS fraud very seriously. In fact I've asked Nurse Miggins to sort it out as soon as she gets back from lunch!'

Creative Lawyers: Our Rates - Justice $300 per hour/Appearance of Justice $1000 per hour.

'Mensa smoking club'

'Hello...Dr Smith...this is...Fred Yomp's computer...'

Here Lies Inventor of Autocorrect - Restaurant in Peace

'We're thinking of adding a gazebo. I could go there when I'm feeling trapped and resentful.'

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

Boss, FedEx just delivered a crate full of hazmat suits. Excellent. On your lunch break, drape a couple of them over the trash cans outside every caf