Office Laugh-seeker Gifts

Scene from an early draft of Moby Dick

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'What's wrong now?'

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

Gay Times...

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

"What's wrong with swallowing up other companies?"

'I give this one about three months...'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'

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