Elementary Education Gifts

"Fear not, Miss Hathaway. Just go home and listen to a cd of howling wolves or screeching monkeys and by Monday you'll be ready for your 3rd grade class."

A Puppet Named Juan

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

"Do you want to play doctorate?"

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

Hate Platforms

Adult Courses. It's so hard keeping the information from different classes separate! I'm talking film history and psychology. I failed a test because I said a "psychopath" is the walkway Norman Bates took home. I also confused geography and aeronautics. I said the "great plains" are located at an Air Force testing base in the California desert. My worst nightmare was confusing the thinks ti learned in driver's education and statistics. But at least I now know it's driving where you must st

Ethics exam cheater.

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'You may now turn over your paper and begin.' - 'Sir!' - 'Yes?' - 'What is it?' - 'I think Train 'A' and Train 'B' might be going to crash!'

'I have this fear of the real world...'

Computer Room.

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

'Medical school's been more challenging since the cadavers turned into zombies.'

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"I've always dreamed of being on an academic team like this! It's great that we can all depend on each other!"

Big Bang Theory.

"I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal."

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

'Hmph. College kids.'

Fear/Knowledge

"This is a great spot to practice mighty roars son..."

'My reading comprehension is so-so, but I do make up for it with my highlighting skills.'

Kid at bus stop to kid: 'Needless to say, I cured my Mom of her home-schooling kick.'

"We're bringing the arts and sciences together here by giving crayons to mice."

'Never mind inspiration. I need background material on atomic physics.'

Pirate boy reciting the alphabet

"No Timmy, I don't think your pencil has system requirments or upgrades you can download from the internet."

'But I digress...'