Elderly Life Gifts

'I'd like to trade him in under the 'cash for clunkers' program.'

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

"Your contents have shifted."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

They try, but those crows can't make noises they used to. The lost caws!

"Why bother?"

Albert & Myra - The End Story

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

Gary turns 40.

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

Inside One's Memory Bank

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'I must be reaching that age! I can't get my ozone layer up anymore!'

'I'm not in shock, my eyebrows are just receding with my hairline.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"I don't know who you are!"

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

'I'm into New Age. My new age is 26.'

Handle With Care

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."