Ego Tamer Pillows

'I bet I can extinguish my ego before you extinguish YOUR ego!'

"When you put on the uniform, you surrender a part of yourself."

You will do as I command...'It had a power surge.'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"Hulk no can be mad at Mr. Puppy Face"

'Cat or dog?' - 'A little of both.'

'I think we'd be more confident about meeting our targets if we could work out what they were!'

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"I don't care how good he is. Ain't nobody can get a short on Jeffrey."

'No, that wasn't your mother calling to ask if you were okay. That was your mother calling to ask if I was okay.'

'Do you have any books on controlling little monsters?'

Need an elevated state of mind too!

Parenting Business Deals

"Miss Jones! Clear my schedule until I get this sorted out!"

'Before we start, would everyone please put your cell phone in the middle of the table?'

"I find that my strongest passwords are those created when the cat walks across the keyboard."

Education Guidance

'Mr Godzilla - you need anger management!'

"You'll have one bite of everything!"

'It's an emergency! The sitter wants to know where Marmaduke's doggie treats are!'

"You goo-goo, you gaa-gaa. But when push comes to shove, you whaa-whaa."

'Now, you'd better pick up your toys or no bath!'

"Our driverless smart car texted me saying it went to get an oil change because I was too lazy to do it. Is there a way to disable its rudeness?"

'How would you like to help out at my campaign kickoff barbecue?'

"He used to fetch my paper, but now that I read online he's my IT support."

'What's this 'H' file?'

"In your skill set I see that you listed, 'Proofleader.'"

Man in office smiling in delight as various office equipment dances for him

"Dude, you gotta get out here and clean this pool more often."

'Mary finally solved the blinking clock problem by putting black tape over it.'

'His name is Ralph, but he'll only come to you if you shout 'biscuit'.'

'I think prayer in schools is necessary as long as Mrs. Smith gives hard math tests.'

'Moving Day' for Christmas Presents

In case of computer breakdown break glass

"This one's too smart. Do you have one with only a high school education?"