Edgy Comedian Gifts

"You're neck's on my list. . !"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Dad, my web toon characters can't be normal! They have to be stereotyped crazies who are totally abnormal!"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"I'm putting you on country music."

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

Where's my global warming?

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

Devil tattoo.

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

Monet At Open Mic Night

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

'I'll pay double for half as much.'

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.

Make Your Own

Manhole Warning

'Have you heard about the origami shop?'

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

'Underground cartoonist'

Jurassic HitlerDanger World

"Your lives will continue to stink until you find your center."

Clown Cowboy:'DRAW!'