Edgy Humorist Gifts

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The Eggsorcist"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

The opera - 'Please, sir, give us your ticket, if you ain;t a-goin' in again.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

Gustav Holst

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"I'm putting you on country music."

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

Champagne at the hunt

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Artist uses connect-the-dots canvas to paint nude model.

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

"It's not my fault - how was I to know you'd look scary with your clothes off?"

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'