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"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Ahhh...'

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

'How do you know I won't shrink if I didn't come with a washing instructions tag?'

"Next time, dear, ask me first before you invite a friend over for dinner."

"I'm taking 'moving back in with the parents' studies."

"If you really loved me you wouldn't have called me Euthanasia!"

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'It may not be your feng shui, but it's my feng shui.'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"I like to think that each generation will need a little less therapy than the generation before."

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"My seven-year-old is a prince, but my forty-seven-year-old is a pain in the ass."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"All Vangundy is or ever shall be he owes to his mother."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

'Mom! Hunter keeps saying I'm not a thoroughbred. Can you show him my papers?'

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

"It's half past November, young man! Get back in your room and hibernate!"

"Wet wipe?"

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"