Dvd Producer Gifts

Chairs read 'Director (movie)' and 'Director (sycophantic DVD extras)'.

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

Herman Mankiewicz

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

'Big audio gear is coming back!'

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'Being a superhero doesn't mean that everything about me is super you know!'

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Applause