Documentary Producer Gifts

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

"You can skip past the actual harpooning."

"Don't mind the documentary crew."

"This is going to be a real Fly - On - The - Wall documentary."

Casting Wildlife Films.

"Ugh! Stop making a drama documentary out of a molehill."

"Wait, there's a wildlife documentary crew waiting! They love filming crocodile attacks: it may not be a safe place to cross. . ."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Herman Mankiewicz

'Nothing beats seeing your favourite band play live.'

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

Cut!

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

Working in the Hazard Zone!

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

Live Stream

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

"Then one day, as I caught a tennis ball in midair, I asked myself, 'Is this all there is?'"

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

'Being a superhero doesn't mean that everything about me is super you know!'

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Buster Keaton

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'