Video Documentarian Gifts

I have a video phone and I'm not afraid to use it.

'Nothing beats seeing your favourite band play live.'

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

'Your videotape's intriguing - But it still doesn't prove that they really exist.'

Live Stream

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

"Then one day, as I caught a tennis ball in midair, I asked myself, 'Is this all there is?'"

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

Crocodile

"We're making a video of us watching TV so we can watch ourselves watching TV...later."

Filming Christmas

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

Police film evidence

They're watching a documentary about safety razors. Sounds like a Schick flick!

Kirsten Johnson

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

Next camera crew 5 mins

"Is there a way to disable Narcissus' self-view?"

Michael Moore creates a UK equivalent of Fahrenheit 9/11

"No need for stage fright, it's just a documentary crew: be yourself..."

Cinéma Vérité

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

'We've postponed the wedding until we come up with something we can do at the ceremony that will become a viral video.'

A typical Monday. Zombie truck driving maniacs! South Pole penguin love! That's a stupid eco-friendly chick documentary! Insipid, mindless, violent, zombie crud! Negotiations commence, nearly a week before date night. Wimp! Blockbuster head!

Top Secret/Middle Secret/Bottom Secret

'Come on, you're telling me that you don't watch the Discovery Channel.'

A bunch of global warming skeptics want to join eco club. It's a school organization. You have to let them in. But they just want to harass us with selective facts! Today: Eco club. So? Debate is good. You have :An Inconvenient Truth" to counter their arguments. Oh. Great. Now we'll have to read it.

A penguin's life is like endless summer camp, swimming and fishing all day every day!

'Phoor...watch these sperm whales at it...ah...yes..yes...'

"Ugh! Stop making a drama documentary out of a molehill."

"I figure we can blue-screen the kids in later."

"I remembered that time you said you wished you had a biographer."

"Cliff's really devoted to his art. He'll wait hours for someone to take a shot to the groin."

My friend, Ernie, the documentary filmmaker, is producing a series about beverages. One film follows a man's search for the perfect lager. The working title is "The Beer Hunter." He found a group of young women in high school who are fantastic baristas. "Bean Girls." Espresso. Another movie will uncover animosity in the orange juice business. Maybe I should call it "Pulp Friction." And he's examining vineyards and winemakers all over the globe. I'll call the film "Planet of the Grapes"!