Documentarian Gifts

Social lens of the photojournalist

The Young Jacques Cousteau at the Beach with his Mother.

Kirsten Johnson

"I remembered that time you said you wished you had a biographer."

F&E Wildlife Documentary Filmmakers. Ernie, you shouldn't have chosen "Bye Bye Birdie" as music for the documentary on avian extinctions. And using Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" in the film about disappearing polar bear habitat was also inappropriate! This is serious stuff! Our next project is about dwindling bee populations. Without bees all plant life is threatened, endangering humanity itself! You're right, Frenak, for the bee film we should use the song "Where have all the flowers gone?"

Michael Moore creates a UK equivalent of Fahrenheit 9/11

'Nothing beats seeing your favourite band play live.'

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Live Stream

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

"Then one day, as I caught a tennis ball in midair, I asked myself, 'Is this all there is?'"

"Oh, come on! Nobody brought a pen?"

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

Next camera crew 5 mins

They're watching a documentary about safety razors. Sounds like a Schick flick!

Police film evidence

Crocodile

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

"No need for stage fright, it's just a documentary crew: be yourself..."

Cinéma Vérité

A bunch of global warming skeptics want to join eco club. It's a school organization. You have to let them in. But they just want to harass us with selective facts! Today: Eco club. So? Debate is good. You have :An Inconvenient Truth" to counter their arguments. Oh. Great. Now we'll have to read it.

My friend, Ernie, the documentary filmmaker, is producing a series about beverages. One film follows a man's search for the perfect lager. The working title is "The Beer Hunter." He found a group of young women in high school who are fantastic baristas. "Bean Girls." Espresso. Another movie will uncover animosity in the orange juice business. Maybe I should call it "Pulp Friction." And he's examining vineyards and winemakers all over the globe. I'll call the film "Planet of the Grapes"!

'Come on, you're telling me that you don't watch the Discovery Channel.'

A penguin's life is like endless summer camp, swimming and fishing all day every day!

Top Secret/Middle Secret/Bottom Secret

'Phoor...watch these sperm whales at it...ah...yes..yes...'

A typical Monday. Zombie truck driving maniacs! South Pole penguin love! That's a stupid eco-friendly chick documentary! Insipid, mindless, violent, zombie crud! Negotiations commence, nearly a week before date night. Wimp! Blockbuster head!

"Ugh! Stop making a drama documentary out of a molehill."

Poor vs Rich

"What do you suppose Ken Burns will have to say about all this in 30 years?"

'I still say these shots need more action.'

Fahrenheit 911.

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

A fly on the wall documentary.

"Those pervs from the nature channel are filming us again."