Drunken Stories Gifts

Official Whore Artist/Official Piss Artist

Fairy Library - Frontispiece to Jack and the Beanstalk

Santa, Alien, Easter Bunny and Sasquatch plan the perfect caper.

Silence of the Chickens...

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

Password Error: Snow White and the seven dwarfs not recognised as eight characters.

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

"We need to stop sharing one set of clothes."

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

Turning Japanese: I really think so.

"You're ruining our reputation, Bob!"

Moby Dick

"So you're just now tellin' me I was hatched from an egg and I coulda' left years ago?!?"

Whodunnit. Whoreallydunnit.

'I told you we should have done the balloon toss.'

Bar: Now serving 24 hours - 'I want to get as wasted as you look.'

'What can you wish for?!... Oh, I don't know... Infinite wealth, beautiful women throwing themselves at your feet, fame and admiration, perhaps?... But, don't let me influence you.'

"Before I fight this dragon and rescue you, can I ask a few questions? Like, do you want kids? What's your passion? Where is 'home' to you? Do you have a financial philosophy?"

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

'That's my weird Uncle Benny. He claims that he was abducted by aliens in white lab coats.'

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

Horny Nanny Seeks Lonely Goat Herd.

'Tarzan's younger brother, Ed, was raised by sloths.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

So … how did you two meet?

'Please, Grandpa Turkey! Tell us about the Christmas massacre and the Thanksgiving bloodbath!'

"It doesn't say, son, who they pawned the kittens off on after the flood."

"If you need anything in the building, just call the super. This is the only known photo of him."

"I wouldn't worry about the big bab wolf - he can't muster much puff."

Adam and Eve in Paradise

"And the person who made all those promises, this man you loved, trusted and ran away with, who subsequently stole your life savings and then abandoned you... is he in the courtroom today?"

The Rivalry Begins