Drug Testing Gifts

Another successful recruitment drive for the Collins University Medical Research Center.

I'm sorry, but your drug screen results disqualify you as an employment candidate, You see, sample 'A' is a normal brain, sample 'B' is a normal brain on drugs, and sample 'C',,, Well, Mr, Dumpty, sample 'C' is your brain,

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

'As everyone knows, scientists are at their peaks early in their careers.'

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

"Darn it, lost another swab."

"That's nuthin'. Yesterday he beat up Alex Rodriguez."

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

'Now here's my idea...we come up with a really high-priced drug to treat drug side effects...'

No offense, Doctor, but I'm feeling kinda rushed.

"For the perfect sedative, take the juice from a bottle of whisky..."

'...at least it's done something for our image.'

"So Dennis, Daphne tells us you work for Delta Medical Research Laboraties."

'You forgot you list of possible side-effects.'

"...I suggest we call it Greenspanium"

"The bloodwork came back kinda yucky."

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

La Tour 2007.

'KEEPING UP in practice simply means knowing which drug the FDA has withdrawn.'

"Sorry, that was the three cups of coffee, four cans of red bull, and double dose of Paxil talking."

'Pegasus used steroids. Pass it on.'

'I thought he would run all sorts of scientific tests.'

"I wonder if that treat the mailman is leaving me tastes better than he does."

Scientist resembles mouse. He says: 'It's amazing to think that we share 99 per cent of the same genes.'

'Oh, don't mind Grandpa - he's just having an acid flashback.'

'That's great, but it was supposed to be a laxative.'

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

Gene doping in sport.

Opium Den 2019

'No doubt about it. As long as they don't understand the concept of medicine, the placebo won't work.

"This medication doesn't have any side effects, just up-and-down effects."

'He likes to point out the obvious.'

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"