Drug Testing Pillows

Another successful recruitment drive for the Collins University Medical Research Center.

I'm sorry, but your drug screen results disqualify you as an employment candidate, You see, sample 'A' is a normal brain, sample 'B' is a normal brain on drugs, and sample 'C',,, Well, Mr, Dumpty, sample 'C' is your brain,

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

"Darn it, lost another swab."

"That's nuthin'. Yesterday he beat up Alex Rodriguez."

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

'Now here's my idea...we come up with a really high-priced drug to treat drug side effects...'

"For the perfect sedative, take the juice from a bottle of whisky..."

'...at least it's done something for our image.'

"So Dennis, Daphne tells us you work for Delta Medical Research Laboraties."

'You forgot you list of possible side-effects.'

"...I suggest we call it Greenspanium"

"The bloodwork came back kinda yucky."

'Pegasus used steroids. Pass it on.'

Scientist resembles mouse. He says: 'It's amazing to think that we share 99 per cent of the same genes.'

'KEEPING UP in practice simply means knowing which drug the FDA has withdrawn.'

"Sorry, that was the three cups of coffee, four cans of red bull, and double dose of Paxil talking."

"I wonder if that treat the mailman is leaving me tastes better than he does."

La Tour 2007.

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

'I thought he would run all sorts of scientific tests.'

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

Gene doping in sport.

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

Opium Den 2019

'He likes to point out the obvious.'

'No doubt about it. As long as they don't understand the concept of medicine, the placebo won't work.

Pill testing

"This medication doesn't have any side effects, just up-and-down effects."

'This ain't gonna be easy.'