Driving Etiquette Enthusiast Pillows

"Whoa! You didn't give the little thank you wave in traffic even once?!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"How to talk to people" "Make them rue the day"

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

Man helping a mini learner driver

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"All rise."

"Oh look, that police car is chasing someone! Let me get out of his way. Hmm...he's still behind me. Let me move... That's odd....he's still behind me. I'll move over another lane."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"Rats."

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'D'you have any salt?'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

I love my motor.

"I hit reply all too many times."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

Things Mothers don't want to hear from their five year olds...

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."