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"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

Low-Energy Drinks

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"She'll have a Shirley Temple, and I'll have a Shirley Temple's mother."

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Ooo! The dog food sounds good! ... mind you, I always have that at home.'

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

"Anything but milk and cookies."

'Coffee must wear you out. They're always sleepy when they drink it.'

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

Coffee Menu

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Whatever he's eating.'

Coffee

'The customer is always right...'

Pizza with Extra Extra Cheese.

'Hard or soft science?'

'What's wrong with him?' - 'He drank a glass of water by mistake.'

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

'Are you ready to be patronised yet?'

Heart Disease Menu

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"

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