Drinks And Laughs Lover Pillows

'Don't worry about it, nurse. Mr. Jones is one of my private patients.'

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

POP goes the weasel, Collin, not ka-boom splat.

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

"Why can't you just learn to floss like other men?"

'Joe has been partying hard!'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

'All I said was 'belly up to the bar'.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

Beer Van and Ice Cream Van

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

'Right, now learn this trick...'

"Hmm, well, I wouldn't worry too much. This condition is very common in your profession."

Boyfriend scores notches on wall by bed.

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

Call it Tough Love.

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

Making sure the pitcher is up for the job.

"Of course you still make me laugh, just not out loud."

'Well, so far the only ones to answer our fondue party invitation are the rats in our basement.'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

"Over the long haul, it's been a long haul."

Valentine's Day calls for a romantic candlelight dinner and soft music. Then a trip back to my place for some heavy groping and groaning.

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

Amy Schumer

'I've written you a song' - 'Oh, that's very kind of you. What's it called?' - 'It's called 'I'll stay with you forever baby.'' - 'How sweet. Let me hear it...' - 'Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai, ai,

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"I picked this one up in France while my wife had her hip replaced."