Laugh-at-life Lover Pillows

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

POP goes the weasel, Collin, not ka-boom splat.

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

"Why can't you just learn to floss like other men?"

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

King and Jester

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

Hypnotoon

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

"Hmm, well, I wouldn't worry too much. This condition is very common in your profession."

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

'Something needs to be done about the surgery room lights.'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

Fish to friend regarding third fish leaving Precambrian ocean: 'There's been no living with him since he started to evolve.'

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

"Over the long haul, it's been a long haul."

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

Amy Schumer

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'If you must laugh, will you do it in the humour section please?'

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'