Domesticity Gifts

'You have a comfortable home, three beautiful children, a husband who is devoted to you - what could you possibly want with nuclear capability?'

'Prepare yourself for a shock.'

'There is no point in having a spoon rest on the counter for the coffee stirrer, if you're not going to use it!'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Hungry child

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Man's best friends."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

'Rabbits make great pets, but it's best to have them one at a time.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"My dang neck is killin' me again." "That's because you left your dang hanger in your coat. Again."

Always Compatible

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

“Can I have her now? Hey! My turn.”

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

'Actually, she's turned out to be a very clever pet. Watch when Rex stands up, she'll feed him a biscuit.'

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"Do I have to go out again!?"

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

"You think you hate me now, but just wait until I'm old and a burden to you."

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"Harold! Don't forget to get the eggs!"

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

"You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. It's written all over your face."