Domestic Zen Warrior Gifts

"Namaste."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"I'm trying to achieve total harmony of body, mind and cashflow."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

Noise Pollution

'Want to make it two out of three?'

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

Wrestling Our Inner Demons

Minister Starts at a New Church

Whack-A-Chore: "You play it all day, every day, until you can't anymore."

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

Transcendental Litigation

"Cruz! Are you eyeballin’ me? Eyes shut during savasana! You hear me? Lance, get up and give me 10 headstand pushups to help Cruz here shut her eyes."

Down with Negativism!

"Yeah, Charlie wnet to one of those 'mindful outdoor experience' seminars. . ."

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

Talk to your plants ??" but first, give them a chance to calm down.

'It has had phenomenal growth and, for those involved, an atmosphere crawling with excitement. Congratulations, Hawkins, for heading our Bed Bug division.'

'Mrs. Zegenzahn, I'm an expert on exorcising demons, devils and poltergeists, but insurance representatives? There's no remedy for that.'

"He got laid off six months ago. Been pounding the pavement ever since."

Don't sweat the small stuff

'I did my part of house cleaning, now it's your time...it's shovel ready'

How many times do I have to remind you to empty your pockets before doing laundry?

"But, what if we're attacked in the press?"

"It's tough sticking to a diet when you're surrounded by temptation."

Yin and Yang

"Don't just stand there Howard - SWAT IT!!!"

'God, grant me all that I deserve. Amen'

'...and let's get one thing straight. This ain't no yoga class for wimps.'

'No matter what I do I can't get rid of his squid marks.'

Never begrudge spectators their interest in your piscatorial prowess.

Man catching drips from ceiling in rubber glove.

"Sorry, that mental note has been permanently deleted."

St Louis and his Army Pray (The History of the Crusades).