Domestic Dynamics Analyst Gifts

'I tried to get him to reinvent himself, but he said he couldn't get a patent.'

'Harold doesn't have an ego problem. It doesn't bother him that he's inferior to me in every way.'

"Sorry about those. My husband always cuts his nails in bed."

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'Hold on, Baby, Hold on!'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

"I'm not ready to put you on my favorites contact list, but I will add you to a group text."

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'Dayton, you're a decent, respectable, ethical, honest and nice guy. What the hell are you up to?'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

(Phil Hanson and the Philettes)

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'One businessman's lunch and one lackey's lunch.'

'They sort of grow on you.'

'Dear, would it be all right if I was assertive for a minute?'

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

'I'm normally a leg man, but in your case.'

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"Oh no, not dinner again!"

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"I'm getting to know the staff better. You're my son, aren't you?"

Sex Equality

"Use your indoor gun."

"When I left for school this morning, were we getting along, or did I promise never to talk to you again?"

"And remember, son, perception isn't reality - money is."