Domestic-decliner Gifts

Washing machine instructions for men.

"It looks like our house got sick and threw up the attic."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

'She'll never look for me here.'

Always Compatible

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

'Half-time, full-time - It's gone into penalties, woman!'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

"There's a house-plant round here somewhere."

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

Kingfisher feeding from a water lamp.

Romance over the Irons

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

Stay at Home Yellowstone.

"I said, I had the cat declawed."

"Clark...is there something you'd like to tell me?"

"Did you say something? I thought I heard a sound bite."

"The Hewletts have flaming crown roast au vin blanc every Wednesday."

"I'm sorry I used three squirts of washing up liquid instead of two."

'Three words, Corporal: 'Advanced military technology',,, Relax,'

'Shall I fry it or flush it?'

'If it was mine, I'd put it up for sale, invest the proceeds, and get myself a nice little condo.'

"Just empty it."

"Have we got time for a quick argument before our programme starts..?"

When they said more people were choosing to holiday at home I think they meant in the UK

'It's not my fault sales are down. The economy has made buyers homeophobic.'

"I guess my wild days are behind me."

I know you're keen to practise the new salsa routine, but I'm getting a bit jealous of the vacuum.

"We're both self-isolating, but still no symptoms of pajamas rash."

"It doesn't get any more low-maintenance than this!"

'...and don't you dare turn the volume up at me!'

'...And how are you managing without me at home?'