Domestic Comic Pillows

"I'm sorry, dear. I wasn't listening. Could you repeat what you've said since we've been married?"

"I hope you're not using any of the canned food I so diligently stockpiled.

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

Jim Carrey,

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

"Save yourself — it’s a casserole!"

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

'Occupation? You name it, that's ME.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"The blow drier is broken."

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

John Cleese.

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'How do you want your eggs, too hard or too soft?'

"Heelllllooooooo, Roswell!!"

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"I told you not to leave without taking out the garbage!"

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."