Domestic Chaos Navigator T-Shirts

"It's funny how that works. It doesn't matter where I am in the house... I can always tell when the novel isn't going well."

"Oh, no, I forgot to shred the toilet paper!"

"Did he sleep through the night again?"

A "balanced diet" means balancing what's left to cook with what's clean enough to cook it in.

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. III

'Don't be alarmed if you hear the toilet flush a lot. Since you don't feel well, I thought I'd wash the dishes for you.'

Tired Barbie

How to correctly estimate cooking time

'How do you know I won't shrink if I didn't come with a washing instructions tag?'

'It may not be your feng shui, but it's my feng shui.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

'You got him here before the tardy bell, Mrs. Bates, but I'm not sure he's prepared to learn.'

'What's our stockbroker doing in the shower? Quick! Run and get me a rolled up copy of the Wall Street Journal!'

"Not cool washing sheep in the dishwasher people!"

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

Working from home.

Reason #149 for making sure the whole family wears seat belts: It helps keep the kids quiet.

"I'm running a loose ship."

"It's all right dear, it only seems what it is."

Coping during the 6 weeks school holidays.

"Please wait while I load up software you'll never use and stick random icons all over the place."

'Dear, would it be all right if I was assertive for a minute?'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. II

"I've been a mess since Jake left for college, so now we have a boy who comes in a couple of times a week to leave wet towels all over and challenge everything I say."

'I don't think he'll be having a party next year - I heard his mother scream 'Never again'.'

'You must excuse us. Things are a bit upside-down at the moment.'

These colours haven't just run. They've sprinted!

"Found it! The cat was using it as a pillow."

"Has anyone seen my half-chewed-up piece of dehydrated squirrel carcass?"

"Getting a puppy isn't so bad once you drink."

Dad reaching into medicine cupboard

“Putty took a wife. Her name was Possums, and she bore him Little Gentleman, Biddy Boo, Savor Tooth, Fluffy, Harry Cat, and Cesar. Then Little Gentleman begat Little Gentleman II and Friday and Tinkle Toes and Possum Tail and…”

'... and the kids are screaming and the house is a disaster, and my husband finally get gets home and says 'how was your day?'... so I bit his head off.'

'This is our home's communications center.'