Doggy Diet Enthusiast Gifts

"Frankly, I'm pretty satisfied with my diet."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

"Can I have a doggie bag to go?"

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'This one is very effective. It sounds just like a can opener.'

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

Obesity Report

'Rover is sulking because he helped bag the goose and all he gets for dinner is dog food.'

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

"How did you cure your dog of begging for food?"

"Ready to head back?"

"See, I told you he didn't want to go out."

'Well, I've stopped racing professionally you see, so I can enjoy good food at long last...'

"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"

'Mom, your diet says you can eat all the vegetables you want. Wow! A diet without vegetables!'

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

'The thin person inside you screaming to get out seems to have cholesterol poisoning.'

'I need to lose enough pounds to take a thirty-five meal cruise!'