Dog-owning Friend Gifts

'Out, damned Spot.'

"I understand everything he says, but I've found that maintaining a blank expression results in less work."

'Doesn't he ever wash these things?'

'You can go in ahead of us.'

'Welcome to the neighborhood, Doc....

'Autotheft alarm - who needs it?'

Computer games you can play with your dog: Disk toss.

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

Caveman's dog with head outside car window.

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

'Cat or dog?' - 'A little of both.'

"And for lot 27 we have another old tennis ball."

Rusty starts to have very violent thoughts toward his tail.

Canine Scentipede

"You can stop pulling, you knucklehead—I took your leash off ten minutes ago."

'She still won't accept that she's the cat, and not the meow.'

Christmas Pets

I'm beginning to regret buying that Roomba.

"I think I'm beginning to embrace humiliation."

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

Chasebook

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

"All you're doing is emboldening cats."

'Now, you're new here, but you should know the rules: I get Master's newspaper and slippers! Got that?'

"...and yet it doesn't quite capture his thoughtful, contemplative side."

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"Big n' tall" "Small n' long"

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

"Lori, I can’t talk right now — I’m right in the middle of updating my dog’s Facebook page."

"Humans are strange."

Unbeknownst to most, dogs are actually greedy bastards searching for gold,

'Surely they don't expect us to carry around THAT sort of money?'

Separation