Dog Behavioral Analyst Gifts

"It's hard to describe... Just a general feeling that they're all going to start killing each other any minute now."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

Canine Scentipede

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

Obedience School/Disobedience School.

"If you can’t beat ’em, roll around in their decaying carcass."

"Instead of wagging my tail, running around and jumping all over you, I sent you an E-card."

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

"I think I'll have the fish. No, wait... yes, the fish." "So many choices... what is a Reuben? Never mind, I'll have the fish, too." "I always get the same thing, but it's so good. Alright, I'll have the fish."

'You're hired as far as I'm concerned Edwin! And look at these guys?...They seem to really like you!...You're a natural!'

"If you want to play fetch with the dog, throw your own @#&% arm."

"I have to give you credit. You're a pit bull and you're nice on and offline."

"My System 1 tells me she's articulate, capable, shrewd. My System 2 says BIMBO."

Dog History

"I plan on keeping this off my resume!"

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'He took a fetching class.'

I bark and bark and bark. . . Therefore I am.

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"He's so well behaved I'm really worried, doctor."

'You show me how to pass that ridiculous company loyalty test, and I'll show you how to always land on your feet!'

'Shake'

"What makes you think you're Good Boy material?"

"You have a remarkable lack of curiosity about your co-workers."

"People are crazy."

Freudian vs Behavior therapist.

'Please Miss, I know why birds fly south in the winter. It's because it's too far to walk!'

There's just no excuse for your behavior, Al. I thought it was your job to find one, doctor.

"Why would I demean myself to be Master's best friend when I can be Master's master?"

Respect Zone: 'We respect yobs.'

'After years of trying, he caught his tail.'