Canine Behavior Analyst Gifts

'That's what I wanted to ask you about.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

Canine Scentipede

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

People who let their big dogs run around leash free and then say things like. . .

Obedience School/Disobedience School.

"If you can’t beat ’em, roll around in their decaying carcass."

"Instead of wagging my tail, running around and jumping all over you, I sent you an E-card."

"I see you mister mail carrier... that's it, just keep walking... don't even think abo—did you just look at my house?! Are you looking for trouble? Cujo ain't got #!@* on me."

Litter Box Logistics Ltd.

"I think I'll have the fish. No, wait... yes, the fish." "So many choices... what is a Reuben? Never mind, I'll have the fish, too." "I always get the same thing, but it's so good. Alright, I'll have the fish."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"I have to give you credit. You're a pit bull and you're nice on and offline."

"My System 1 tells me she's articulate, capable, shrewd. My System 2 says BIMBO."

"If you want to play fetch with the dog, throw your own @#&% arm."

Dog History

"I plan on keeping this off my resume!"

I bark and bark and bark. . . Therefore I am.

'He took a fetching class.'

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"He's so well behaved I'm really worried, doctor."

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

'You show me how to pass that ridiculous company loyalty test, and I'll show you how to always land on your feet!'

'Shake'

"You have a remarkable lack of curiosity about your co-workers."

'And once more with feeling.'

"What makes you think you're Good Boy material?"

"People are crazy."

Freudian vs Behavior therapist.

'Please Miss, I know why birds fly south in the winter. It's because it's too far to walk!'

There's just no excuse for your behavior, Al. I thought it was your job to find one, doctor.

"Why would I demean myself to be Master's best friend when I can be Master's master?"

Respect Zone: 'We respect yobs.'