Doctor Visits Pillows

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Of course, I'm the only person you know without a cure for your cold. I'm a doctor.'

'He's looking for a doctor that hugs.'

Doctor visiting a lady with a sore throat

"Give it to me nuanced, Doc."

Taking blood pressure

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"Sorry, I don't like your opinion either, can I have a fifth?"

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

'You're eating too much roughage.'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'As I said, the medication won't cure you, but it will make you more comfortable for the duration.'

Doctor's Office. I don't know which I hate more to hear him say --- "Learn to live with it" or "Learn to live without it."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"The first one's just a warning."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

Barbeque Casualty.

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'Does this get me a purple heart?'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

Being Serenading in Casualty

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

Hospital Departments

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'