Doctors Visits Pillows

'Come back in three months because you're perfectly healthy which means a WHOLE LOT can go wrong with you.'

"The first one's just a warning."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

Barbeque Casualty.

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

Being Serenading in Casualty

'Does this get me a purple heart?'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

Hospital Departments

"When I suggested you should walk a couple of miles a day I didn't mean to just see me!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"So what brings you in today?"

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

Scared husband needs to have scans done in children's exam room.

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

'This little piggy went to the doctor's office and went 'ouch, ouch, ouch' all the way home. I just made that up.'

"Are they called 'x-rays' because the alphabet wasn't finished when they were invented?"

'This is taking longer than my stay in hospital!'

"Tell her the surgeon is the best in his field and she'll get through this fine!"

The Children's Hospital

Second Opinion

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'