Doctor-patient Satirist Gifts

"I think you'll find this next battery of tests unnecessarily painful and humiliating."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Providing Healthcare For All

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

Virtual Doctor

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

'As you know, medical costs have skyrocketed -- that'll be fifty cents.'

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

'The doctors say I have a rare illness that turns people into birds - it's untweetable.'

Auto parts, Lite Puff Pastries, & Health Insurance Exchange.

'Take one of these three times a day until you start to feel better.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

'The food here isn't too bad, just try not to swallow !'

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

Healthcare workers come to the N.H.S. Fancy dress party dressed as viruses.

Scary Halloween ICD-10 codes.

These drug will cost you an arm and a leg...the good news is, my wife and I own stock in the company that makes them.

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

What the patient heard and what the doctor meant to convey.

NHS/Private Eye Care.