Medical Satirist Gifts

'I think my work here is done.'

"I want you to lie as still as possible while Lyle and I take our lunch break."

If the drugs do cause a problem then we've got some pills that might help.

'Have you tried enjoying the aches and pains?'

"Listen, when the side effects of this medication kick in, you'll forget what was wrong in the first place!"

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

"This will buy you four months.

Take As Directed Or As Budget Allows

"So I guess this probably counts as an adverse event."

'This is the discharge nurse, she'll be able to tell you about all the services you aren't able to get any more when you leave.'

'I stopped taking the medicine because I prefer the original disease to the side effects.'

High cost of health care.

Man bites on stick - "That other painkilling method is of course a lot more expensive."

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

'The one thing they could reform in healthcare is these gowns.'

Doctor tests man's reflexes, wallet comes out.

'I'm going to prescribe something that works like aspirin but costs much, much more.'

Virtual Doctor

Cause of death: Just one of those things.

Hospital Waiting Room: 3 Ailments or less queue.

'This operation should remove the swelling in your wallet - I mean, knee.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

'Well, we finally figured out what the problem is...your warranty expired.'

Heart vending machine.

Placebo Manufacturing Inc.

'You might need rotator cuff surgery, but let's just try not throwing money at problems for 6-8 weeks first, senator.'

'This is only a placebo, but trust me, it works!'

"Have you popped all those pills I prescribed?"

"Biosimilars? Shouldn't you be prescribing something more BioExact?"

Healthcare workers come to the N.H.S. Fancy dress party dressed as viruses.

'Yes I'm afraid this room is bugged, but don't worry, it's just Clostridium Difficile'

'I don't know about this new computer inventory system. It just ordered a thousand left handed four fingered surgical gloves.'

"Follow up appointment... the doctor will be retired by then."

"Your disease is curable, but one side effect of this drug is poverty."

'Urology Department. Can you hold?'