Medical Satirist Gifts

'I think my work here is done.'

"I want you to lie as still as possible while Lyle and I take our lunch break."

If the drugs do cause a problem then we've got some pills that might help.

'Have you tried enjoying the aches and pains?'

'...by doubling up on patients in the MRI, we're able to cut costs in half...'

"Listen, when the side effects of this medication kick in, you'll forget what was wrong in the first place!"

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

"This will buy you four months.

Take As Directed Or As Budget Allows

"So I guess this probably counts as an adverse event."

'This is the discharge nurse, she'll be able to tell you about all the services you aren't able to get any more when you leave.'

High cost of health care.

'I stopped taking the medicine because I prefer the original disease to the side effects.'

Man bites on stick - "That other painkilling method is of course a lot more expensive."

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

'The one thing they could reform in healthcare is these gowns.'

Doctor tests man's reflexes, wallet comes out.

'I'm going to prescribe something that works like aspirin but costs much, much more.'

Hospital Waiting Room: 3 Ailments or less queue.

Virtual Doctor

Cause of death: Just one of those things.

'This operation should remove the swelling in your wallet - I mean, knee.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

'Well, we finally figured out what the problem is...your warranty expired.'

Heart vending machine.

'You might need rotator cuff surgery, but let's just try not throwing money at problems for 6-8 weeks first, senator.'

"Have you popped all those pills I prescribed?"

'This is only a placebo, but trust me, it works!'

Placebo Manufacturing Inc.

"Biosimilars? Shouldn't you be prescribing something more BioExact?"

'Yes I'm afraid this room is bugged, but don't worry, it's just Clostridium Difficile'

Healthcare workers come to the N.H.S. Fancy dress party dressed as viruses.

Hospital recycling bank.

'I don't know about this new computer inventory system. It just ordered a thousand left handed four fingered surgical gloves.'

"Follow up appointment... the doctor will be retired by then."