Doctor Appointment Gifts

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

'Well, well, well...'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

"Since you're going to the dentist, I bought you a giant lollipop to go out in style."

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'So you're off to see the chiropodist... the only time in your life you shouldn't put your best foot forward!'

"That explains all the cavities."

"So what brings you in today?"

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

"You've got bunions, hammertoes and plantar fasciitis. Bad feet must run in your family." "Nobody runs in my family."

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"Sorry, but it is not negotiable! You have to let Tim clean your teeth twice a day!"

"Every time you lick your teeth, you taste your skeleton."

"No, we haven't started yet. My hand was cold."

"Relax. You might feel a little pinch."

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

'I should warn you, I charge double if you want me to examine both of them, Mrs. Jacobs.'

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."