Diy Avoider Pillows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

'Before you give us your surprise test, could we have a surprise study period?'

Sawdust.

"Shouldn't you be studying?

Pets are not only good companions, they're good excuses.

'Storm'

The life-changing magic of shoving everything into a huge Hefty bag and leaving it for somebody else to deal with.

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Where'd he go, nurse?'

'Alice are you dating me only because you don't feel like cooking?'

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

"I still haven't cleaned up from the party."

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"We have to face reality. Unless we invite people over, we will never muster the energy to clean the place."

'You can't avoid death...You can't avoid taxes...and you can't avoid having your name on computerized mailing lists.'

'Look, I just expect more from a muse.'

'The one thing I hate about summer - great big moths coming in at night.'

"But this is the way we've always done it."

"Well, it might interest you to know that 'running naked' means running without a watch or iphone."

"It says it's sick and tired of telling me to update my software and if I don't do it right now it's going to explode."

"So there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can think of giving up the New Year apart from your peanut collection?"

'My dog ate my homework, so I couldn't study for the test. So, as his punishment, he'll be taking the test for me.'

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

"With my tech skills, I just feel my talents would be wasted on mundane tasks like taking out the trash, cutting the grass and cleaning my room."

Dilemma of a man with no mechanical skills (Mail order bride requires some assembling).

"I hate needles!"

The new, improved "Hide-A-Dysfunction" Slip Cover

'All of those 'home lawyer' books are really beginning to take their toll on our business.'