Divorcee Celebrating Gifts

"When I got divorced, I went through all the stages of grieving - sadness, anger, denial and punching the air with delight when the settlement cheque came through!"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"So halfway through the divorce proceedings, I find out Henry is a warlock."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

"At least I got half the Twitter followers in the divorce."

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

I was found guilty, eight of the jury were my ex-wives.

'Don't blame the King, Ma'am. This was all his divorce lawyer's idea.'

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

"At what point did you realize your ex-husband was behind on his child support?"

"Why, Ed Phillips! I haven't seen you since our divorce!"

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

"Three. How many times you been married?"

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

"She’s getting the house and cars, but you get to retain all your unique streaming services passwords."

Betty's Ex, Ray, Glasses.

A man in an armchair is being carried away by rubbish removers, as his wife waves him off.

"Separate clouds, please."

'So when is the moving van coming over for your shoes?'

'Under the terms of my divorce I have to wear it for a full year.'

'You again? -- what went wrong this time?'

'I can't ta;l now, you moron. Your alimony check is in the mail!'

"I'm not sure why my marriage ended. I'm still waiting for the forensic report."

"Please bear with me. I'm only recently back on the singles scene."

'Computer dating? I want my money back. You fixed me up with my first wife.'

Our biggest mistake was in calling your ex-wife as a character witness.