Divorcee Celebrating Gifts

"When I got divorced, I went through all the stages of grieving - sadness, anger, denial and punching the air with delight when the settlement cheque came through!"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Well, we can try. But to be honest, I doubt that you'll get custody of your husband's credit cards."

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"So halfway through the divorce proceedings, I find out Henry is a warlock."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

The Gayhorns

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"At least I got half the Twitter followers in the divorce."

'I tried to feeding on demand - it led to divorce on demand.'

"I see a lot of Don Juan Complexes, but you're the first Don Knotts Complex I've come across."

'Don't blame the King, Ma'am. This was all his divorce lawyer's idea.'

I was found guilty, eight of the jury were my ex-wives.

"At what point did you realize your ex-husband was behind on his child support?"

...thirty-nine years young, recent divorcee, lifestyle includes a canine leitmotif....

'I feel sorry for you single people. Nobody to go home to fight with.'

"Why, Ed Phillips! I haven't seen you since our divorce!"

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

"Three. How many times you been married?"

Betty's Ex, Ray, Glasses.

"Separate clouds, please."

A man in an armchair is being carried away by rubbish removers, as his wife waves him off.

"She’s getting the house and cars, but you get to retain all your unique streaming services passwords."

'So when is the moving van coming over for your shoes?'

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

'I can't ta;l now, you moron. Your alimony check is in the mail!'

'You again? -- what went wrong this time?'

'Under the terms of my divorce I have to wear it for a full year.'

"Please bear with me. I'm only recently back on the singles scene."

"I'm not sure why my marriage ended. I'm still waiting for the forensic report."

'Computer dating? I want my money back. You fixed me up with my first wife.'