Divorce Counselor Gifts

Vladimir and Lyudmila Putin get a divorce.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

'Progress of a bookshelf'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

Relationship Warning Lights

"We'll always have couples therapy."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"You've changed."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"...until death do you a favor."

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."