Discipline Dilettante Gifts

Kid in corner to parent: 'When will I be eligible for parole?'

'I asked them to behave like adults, and they ranted, they raved, and they cussed a blue streak!'

'I sure hope this 'timeout' thing is just a phase with Mom.'

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

Macho Vegetarian

"I asked a designer to come in and give the office a needed pick-me-up...probably should have been a little more specific."

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

Turn around at the next junction, turn around now! Turn around immediately - you've forgotten your handbags!

"How much do I need? How much you got?"

'My diet allows me only one muffin a day!'

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

'Should I buy or sell?'

'Okay, okay. On second thought, maybe going on a diet isn't necessary.'

A "half-life" is the time it takes for a quantity of a radioactive material to be cut in half by decay. In each successive half-life period, the quantity is halved again. Half-life length varies widely form element to element. Eating healthier is a common new year's resolution. Our data shows breaking this resolution follows a curve like those seen with nuclear decay. As of yesterday about ten percent of those who made the resolution this year are still sticking to it. We calculated the re

"Tell me again how well your low sodium diet is going."

"Oh come on!... How can I only have lost two ounces?!"

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

M.D. Robotics. Oil. Stop downloading so many cookies.

'Put an olive in it please. My doctor says I need more greens and less alchohol.'

The singles bar...

"You know who's a big pain in the a*s? Europe."

'Honey, I put 500.000,- into chocolate manufacturer stocks and now the share price went down... would you please stop your diet?'

"Column A are things they said would kill you ten years ago but are now considered totally good for you. Column B are things they currently think will kill you."

"How many calories do you think we burn by pressing these buttons each day?"

One Way/Two Ways.

'Excuse me - Which way is Southwestern North Carolina?'

"This fat free meal is also taste free!"

'You don't do faith healing do you?'

Time Out Room

Sandwiches. My doctor says I'll never lose weight unless I give up these grilled sandwiches. In for a Panini, in for a pound!

Prisoner to other: 'But what I actually ended up doing was consolidating all my debts into one ten-year sentence.'

"You are headed south. Your destination is straight ahead."

Teddy Roosevelt Institute. "Walk softly and carry a big stick." Charm school. Harm school.