Direction Dilettante Gifts

Man and dog puzzled by blank signpost

'Excuse me - Which way is Southwestern North Carolina?'

'I don't need a GPS. I'm guided by greed.'

Turn around at the next junction, turn around now! Turn around immediately - you've forgotten your handbags!

"You are headed south. Your destination is straight ahead."

Garlic Free Zone.

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'House wine?'

"Forget it - she's out of your league."

Macho Vegetarian

"Let's start with a couple of glasses of water and if that goes well I'll order two coffees."

"I asked a designer to come in and give the office a needed pick-me-up...probably should have been a little more specific."

Mrs. H.G.Wells.

'You know me, I'm a problem solver. I listen. I flirt with understanding. I move on.'

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

'What superpower would I like? Normally, invisibility, but as I'm a 53 year old female, I feel that I've already been granted it.'

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

'My diet allows me only one muffin a day!'

"Tell me again how well your low sodium diet is going."

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

"Oh come on!... How can I only have lost two ounces?!"

"Remember, I'm 'catch and release'."

'Should I buy or sell?'

A "half-life" is the time it takes for a quantity of a radioactive material to be cut in half by decay. In each successive half-life period, the quantity is halved again. Half-life length varies widely form element to element. Eating healthier is a common new year's resolution. Our data shows breaking this resolution follows a curve like those seen with nuclear decay. As of yesterday about ten percent of those who made the resolution this year are still sticking to it. We calculated the re

"Dating advice from your old man? Ew, weird. Instead, let's ask Stinky Rick."

'We've considered every potential risk except the risks of avoiding all risks.'

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

They used a scientific method to decide which new product idea to pursue.

"My husband is ambidextrous....completely useless with either hand!"

"Column A are things they said would kill you ten years ago but are now considered totally good for you. Column B are things they currently think will kill you."