Direction Dilettante Gifts

Man and dog puzzled by blank signpost

'Excuse me - Which way is Southwestern North Carolina?'

'I don't need a GPS. I'm guided by greed.'

Turn around at the next junction, turn around now! Turn around immediately - you've forgotten your handbags!

Garlic Free Zone.

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

'House wine?'

"Forget it - she's out of your league."

Macho Vegetarian

"Let's start with a couple of glasses of water and if that goes well I'll order two coffees."

"I asked a designer to come in and give the office a needed pick-me-up...probably should have been a little more specific."

'You know me, I'm a problem solver. I listen. I flirt with understanding. I move on.'

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

'My diet allows me only one muffin a day!'

'What superpower would I like? Normally, invisibility, but as I'm a 53 year old female, I feel that I've already been granted it.'

"Dating advice from your old man? Ew, weird. Instead, let's ask Stinky Rick."

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

"Oh come on!... How can I only have lost two ounces?!"

"Remember, I'm 'catch and release'."

"Tell me again how well your low sodium diet is going."

'Should I buy or sell?'

'We've considered every potential risk except the risks of avoiding all risks.'

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

They used a scientific method to decide which new product idea to pursue.

"My husband is ambidextrous....completely useless with either hand!"

"Of course, you understand you can't possibly stay here tonight."

"'Scuse me, Officer, but where do the elite meet to eat around here?"

'Put an olive in it please. My doctor says I need more greens and less alchohol.'

"Column A are things they said would kill you ten years ago but are now considered totally good for you. Column B are things they currently think will kill you."