Discipline Commentator Gifts

'My teacher and I have irrenconcilable differences.'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'Cartoonist thinking'

"No, the Geo Metros, Hyundais, Rabbits, and Kias belong to faculty - the Alfa Romeos, BMWs, and Volvos belong to students."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

Tree of Public Opinion.

Verbal Orders

Sir Patrick Moore.

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

And now, for a rebuttal.

Pundits

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Defunding the police vs defunding education

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

"Actually, we will replace you."

Chess on TV

The United States of Amazement

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comment section just solved the Middle East crisis."

"This is gonna be great!"

Sportscasters on the Savannah

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'Say what you like about the All Black scrum, but it's clearly the most fragrant and well groomed in the modern game.'