Directions Diva Gifts

Brownie Points

'You the one who called Amnesty International?'

'I'd steer clear of the rum punch.'

'Well OF COURSE I rotate the tires! How do you think I got here?'

"Za Za Bling Bling goes man hunting."

How would Madam like to pay?

'I need it in a size two for now and a size five for when I put on my rebound weight.'

'Once a donzel, the dyvour now settled for orts.'

A day at the races

Cut out and keep your own Wardrobe Assistant.

Bun Lift

"She has to arouse you, without, of course, actually arousing you."

"Say the whole prayer, none of this et cetera, et cetera..."

'Just because you keep getting lost on the way to work is no proof that the Universe is non-Euclidean!'

'I'd like to overwhelm them with instructional excellence, but I'm not above winning through intimidation.'

"I admire the way you avoided that radar trap."

Social butterfly

"Face it, you'd be lost without me!"

'I used to give directions by naming all the pubs along the route - I'm as lost as you are now!'

Men watching TV, shouting close him down.

"Can you loosen it a bit Andre, I can't close my eyes"

Triceratops - "A Turtleneck? You couldn't get me a shirt with buttons?

"If you ask me, good parenting requires clear boundaries, loving discipline and random acts of off-the-wall crazy."

'You precisely said 'straight over at the roundabout'. You didn't say anything about going around it.'

'It says the best way to stop undesirable behavior is to ignore it.'

Mom Air. *Bing* Your captain has hit her limit with those infernal portable electronic thingys, and wants you all to site quietly and read until she tells you it's ok to stop.

"You said I'm not supposed to tell you how to drive... but you did miss the turn-off four miles back!"

Fashionistas 2012 - 'I'm Rapunzel!'

'What the blue blazes is a 'tunerfish' sam'wich!?'

Turtle timeouts. And when you think you can behave, I'll be back to flip you over. (Published originally on May 21, 2003.)

Tarot Lying

'Do you know what men and pantyhose have in common? They both run, cling, or don't fit properly.'

'Baz? How the hell can you be 'going out' with an agoraphobic?!'

Woman walking through a bakery with blinkers on.

'Don't you know anything about fashion Mavis? It's now trendy to show your knickers.'