Dinner Performer Gifts

Pianist with Knife and Fork.

Grace For Flies

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"Oh, boy, hard-core sugar!"

"Rump roast?"

'On the contrary... I'm too tough for the steak!'

Party time.

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

Horn of Leftovers

"Gesundheit!"

'Thank you so much, but I just followed the directions in the cookbook.'

The Perfect Foil

A little sharpener before dinner, darling?

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

'I said, I don't know about you, but I'm a bit disappointed in the strolling musician.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

"A little lamb please."

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

Unintelligible speaker at Subway Announcers Dinner.

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'I'm in the mood to cook!'

"Step right up, lady and gents, and scoop yourself a heaping helping of the best spicy meat and bean stew this side of the mighty Mississippi!"

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'After you with the camouflage.'

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

"Here's to a great post-meal nap."

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'