Food Performer Gifts

"Step right up, lady and gents, and scoop yourself a heaping helping of the best spicy meat and bean stew this side of the mighty Mississippi!"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Come dine with me!

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"We're following Carrot Top."

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

George Michael

Cow Show Tunes

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Jazz is Invented

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

"Bravo!"

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

"I can't believe he brought her."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

'Play it again, Sam.'

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

Clown waits for 'Happy Hour' to begin.