Dinner Party Comic Gifts

"I wish my hemorrhoid would shrink."

First Annual Mammal-Dinosaur Potluck

'I sent out for everything.'

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

"Oh, boy, hard-core sugar!"

"Rump roast?"

'On the contrary... I'm too tough for the steak!'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

"Joel! Killer crust!"

'Don't let him pick the wine. He thinks Dom Perignon was someone who got knocked off on the Sopranos.'

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"Gesundheit!"

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

'Thank you so much, but I just followed the directions in the cookbook.'

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'I made your favorite for dinner — pterodactyl nuggets!'

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

An experimentalist alarms his guests by describing the appearance of the mushrooms in a dish they have just eaten.

"Oh, it's alright. You couldn't know that I'm honey-intolerant."