Dinner Parties Gifts

"I'm ready to leave whenever you are."

"They were, sitting around the dinner table, knocking off a bottle of Côtes-du-Rhône and blathering about the Middle East – you've never heard such shallow, simplistic reasoning in your life – and one of them turns to me and says, "And what do you think, Barney? What do you think we should do?' and all I could come up with was 'Woof'. I felt like such an ass."

Man uses scissor device with lighter attached to light big cigar.

Man can't reach to light huge cigar.

"All this talk of Viagra and penile implants reminds me of a charming story about my own penis."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"We'll alternate the windbags with the hard-of-hearing."

"If you don't have anything profound to say, don't say anything at all."

"Help yourselves to dips."

"On second thought, we'd be pleased to stay for dinner."

'Then go ahead with the merger/Pineapple will be fine/Make them the offer we discussed/All right dear, then vegetable soup/How many shares are outstanding?/Of course they'll like the vegetable soup...'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

"She's a Democrat and he's a Republican so refrain from political talk if you want access to the hors d'oevres."

'Apparently, your'e never more than 10ft away from a rat. Although, I think that's only on average.'

'It used to be a nightmare getting him to sleep and then we discovered chloroform.'

'I'm terrible with names - what's mine?'

Another dinner party ruined by a poorly thought-out seating arrangement

"Mmmmm... I told you these prosciutto rolls were to die for."

Mrs.Beelzebub's faux pas.

Long Speech Alarm at Company Dinner

'They like our turkey dinner tradition, but they're not so sure about the wife swapping.'

"If the Webers invite us to their vegan potluck dinner, I found an excuse we haven't used yet."

"We're having the T-Rex's over for dinner..and whatever you do, don't mention their itty-bitty little arms!"

"The crab bisque, the tournedos, the bourbon soufflé... Thank you so much for trying."

'I hope we're not too early.'

'It's nice of them to invite us over for dinner but normally people at least invite you inside.'

'One of my relatives is coming to Thanksgiving dinner...and one of yours.'

"Have more wine. You'll want your taste-buds as numb as possible."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Actually he's not begging."

'Another get together ruined by Death's inappropriate dinner conversation' - "So Larry...Marge tells me you just drove in from the coast - see any interesting roadkill along the way"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

"Not the squirrel salt and pepper shakers. Your father will just bark all through dinner."

"Don't look now, but a fast-moving cold front is headed our way."

"Thanks so much for coming over for dinner, please put your coats, belts, boots and any liquids in the tray and then step through the scanner."