Dinner Host With The Most T-Shirts

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'I had it for lunch.'

Grace For Flies

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"Oh, boy, hard-core sugar!"

"Rump roast?"

'On the contrary... I'm too tough for the steak!'

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

Party time.

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

Horn of Leftovers

"Gesundheit!"

'Thank you so much, but I just followed the directions in the cookbook.'

"Oh, it's alright. You couldn't know that I'm honey-intolerant."

'Giles is a surgeon who likes to bring his work home with him.'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

A little sharpener before dinner, darling?

'I said, I don't know about you, but I'm a bit disappointed in the strolling musician.'

'I'll be conducting Mahler 3 as the guests arrive.'

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

"A little lamb please."

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

'I'm in the mood to cook!'

"My bouche was not amused."

"What do you mean, where's your order? Can't you see we're just starting to really cook?"

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

"Here's to a great post-meal nap."

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

'You talk about her so much. Why don't you invite that Alma Mater of yours to dinner sometime?'

"That was my kind of party...good food, good people, good-bye."