Dinner Host With The Most T-Shirts

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'I had it for lunch.'

Grace For Flies

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"Oh, boy, hard-core sugar!"

"Rump roast?"

'On the contrary... I'm too tough for the steak!'

Party time.

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

"Gesundheit!"

Horn of Leftovers

'Thank you so much, but I just followed the directions in the cookbook.'

"Oh, it's alright. You couldn't know that I'm honey-intolerant."

'Giles is a surgeon who likes to bring his work home with him.'

'I said, I don't know about you, but I'm a bit disappointed in the strolling musician.'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

'I'll be conducting Mahler 3 as the guests arrive.'

A little sharpener before dinner, darling?

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

"A little lamb please."

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

'This soufle is hard.' - 'No it isn't, your teeth are soft.'

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

'I'm in the mood to cook!'

'You talk about her so much. Why don't you invite that Alma Mater of yours to dinner sometime?'

"Here's to a great post-meal nap."

"My bouche was not amused."

"That was my kind of party...good food, good people, good-bye."

"Appetizer is almost done."