Diner Manager Gifts

How was your oatmeal, Sadie? Is everything good? Can I get you anything else? Wait a second, what's that flapping? Somebody, run to the window and tell me if you see a pack of hogs flying by! Has the sky fallen? Has hell frozen over? Has the sun risen in the west? Have chickens grown teeth? Has a donkey climbed a tree? This is the first time in 16 years that you've bothered to ask me how my meal's going, is what I'm saying, you worthless baboon! I wonder why.

Sam's Diner. What? You've never seen "House"Dressing before?

'This chicken has no taste or character.' 'I thought you wanted to eat it, not offer it a job.'

'Sorry for the delay, sir -- your regular waiter entered the Federal Witness Protection Program.'

'A Quarter-Tonner, please.'

'Here ya' go, sweetie. Our Key Lime Pie.'

'No more water!'

'How about some beef stew? -- the wusses from the Health Department made us discontinue the chili.'

'Smells good. What is it?'

TGI Doomsday.

'I caught this industrial spy in the canteen. He was gagging.'

'If you get one who refuses to wake up, pour it in his lap.'

"Our salmon is wild. Our cook is farm-raised."

'I sent out for everything.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

Party of two? No, it was quite a large party.

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

Burger Queen: The Patriarchy is Dead.

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."